Relationship therapists Drs John and Julie Gottman present their gold standard theory of what makes for a successful relationship in their diagram of a “Sound Relationship House”. The house has seven levels: Love Maps, Fondness and Admiration, Turning Towards, Positive Perspective, Managing Conflict, Making Life Dreams Come True, and Creating Shared Meaning, and has two outer walls: Trust and Commitment.
We focus here on the foundation of the house - “Love Maps”. Just as we can easily get lost without a map of a changing territory, so we can become lost in a relationship without a map detailing the landscape of our partner’s life. We should be aware that it can be that “the map is not the territory”.
How do we access Love Maps? In part, our partner can give us parts of the Love Map. In part we can, and should, discover other parts of the Love Map. We have to observe and ask questions.
How do we develop a Love Map? It’s actually very simple. We get to know the small things about our partner’s current life and history. (See below). The things they like, dislike, shared experiences, difficult experiences, strengths, weaknesses, hopes, dreams – everything. This knowledge develops a strong foundation for our friendship and intimacy.
Research has found that emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s worlds. They have a very detailed Love Map of their partner’s life.
Bear in mind that Love Maps are not static. We need to continue updating our information as our partner’s world changes. Without a dynamic love map, it’s impossible to know our partner. Imagine how lost you would be navigating a foreign city without a current map. Further, imagine how much more difficult it would be if you were to try to use a map from fifty years ago. It’d be the same if you rely on outdated information from our Love Map of our partner.
Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s worlds are better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict. Partners who are aware of what each other are feeling and thinking aren’t as disrupted by changes and stresses in their lives. If we don’t develop and update a deep knowledge of our partner, our relationship can too easily become lost for want of an updated map.
Why not begin developing and strengthening your Love Maps today? Try to answer the following question examples about each other and find out how much you know about your partner’s world.
Example Love Map Exercise:
- Who are your partner’s two closest friends.
- What was your partner wearing when you first met?
- Name one of your partner’s hobbies.
- What is a stress your partner is currently experiencing?
- What is your partner’s favourite type of pet?
- What is your partner’s major unrealized dream?
- What is one of your partner’s greatest fears?
- What is your partner’s favourite way to spend an evening?
- What is one of your partner’s favourite movies?
- Name a person your partner dislikes.
- What is your partner’s dream job?
- What medical problems does your partner worry about?
Asking questions like these will help you develop greater personal insight and a more detailed “map” of each other’s lives and worlds. Don’t forget, knowing your partner better is a continuous process. It benefits your relationship to update` your love maps regularly together and catching up. Remember, the more you know about each other, the more you have a strong connection, your relationship will be deeper and more rewardingc.