Gregg Chapman
Registered Psychologist
Relationship Therapist
Often when a couple consults me for relationship therapy the question that is common is:
“Does it look like our relationship is over?”. Even if it is unspoken it lurks in their minds and it seems to be flickering in the couple’s eyes. Sometimes one, or both of, the partners may reveal they are thinking about separation or divorce.
The answer to the question is often that without relationship therapy there are factors, validated by decades of research and experience, that if present, could very likely indicate that the relationship will indeed end. The research of Dr John Gottman has identified these factors – six of them.
Dr Gottman has conducted fifty years of research with thousands of couples. He published over two hundred published academic articles and is the author, or co-author, of more than forty books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. (I recommend all the couples I work with read, discuss and take action based on this book to fast track their therapy).
The logic of maintaining, improving and remediating a relationship that isn’t what a couple want is applying the appropriate, proven actions. To do this we need to know what isn’t working and what to do differently. Dr John Gottman’s research, theory and therapy developed with his wife, Dr Julie Gottman, can point the way to improvement and relationship satisfaction. Knowing what is not working in a relationship is but the first step in relationship therapy. Knowing what to do to change and then doing it is oviously essential. The saying; “Knowledge is power” ought actually be that “Knowledge is power – if appropriately applied”!
Dr John Gottman states that the first step in improving a relationship is to understand what causes relationships to fail. And, what the factors that wreak relationship havoc has been well shown in extensive research into failed relationships. Learning about the factors that cause relationship failures and their remedies can prevent your relationship from repeating the very same relationship killers.
In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” Dr John Gottman presents the six factors that predict divorce based largely on his analysis of the one hundred and thirty newlywed couples who were observed at a specially designed apartment at the University of Washington. This was designed to film most of the days the couples spent in interaction.
The media later dubbed it the “Love Lab”.
During the research study couples were asked to spend fifteen minutes in the “Love Lab” trying to resolve an ongoing disagreement they were having while being videotaped. Sensors were attached to their bodies to measure their stress levels. This is what Dr Gottman found.
1. Harsh Startup
When a discussion begins with criticism and/or sarcasm (which is a form of contempt), we see it as having begun with a “harsh startup.” Dr Gottman’s research found that if a discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end negatively. He found that 96% of the time, the outcome of a conversation can be predicted based on the first three minutes of the interaction.
2. The Four Horsemen
The deadly “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is perhaps the most well-known of Dr Gottman’s findings. Generally, the four horsemen gallop into a relationship in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Like the Biblical namesake they can wreak destruction if untreated.
3. Flooding
Flooding occurs over upset at the other partner’s negativity in the guise of The Four Horsemen. It’s a physiological stress hormone “flood’ that sweeps in causing the brain’s limbic system into fight, flight or freeze and inhibiting executive functioning. Relationship breakdown can be predicted by regular harsh startups, the Four Horsemen and frequent flooding during disagreements. Whilst each of these factors singly can predict a breakdown, they usually coexist.
4. Body Language and physiology
During a conflict discussion the heart speeds up to more than 100 to 165 beats per minute. Hormonal changes occur with the secretion of adrenaline. Blood pressure rises. These sensations of flooding render it impossible to engage in a productive discussion.
5. Failed Repair Attempts
Whilst it takes time for the Four Horsemen and flooding that comes in their wake to destroy a relationship, a breakdown can often be predicted by listening to a single conversation.
This involves identifying the pattern a couple characteristically engage in. A critical component of that pattern is whether repair attempts succeed or fail. Repair attempts are efforts a couple make to deescalate tension during a discussion. The failure of these attempts accurately predicts an unhappy future.
6. Negative Memories
When I onboard couples for relationship therapy part of the standard intake process involves asking about the history of their relationship. In a happy relationship, couples tend to recall their early days with fondness, humour or even how they worked together to overcome adversity. A predictor of likely relationship breakdown for couples can surface for those who have different memories, very few memories, or jointly unhappy memories.
In 1992, Dr. John Gottman and two of his colleagues, Kim Buehlman and Lynn Katz, conducted a landmark research study. They interviewed 52 heterosexual married couples about the history of their relationships. The researchers could predict which couples would separate or stay together three years later with over 94% accuracy. This is how Dr. Gottman gained fame as being able to predict divorce.
For remedies for the factors contributing to relationship breakdown see other blogs.
To engage in relationship therapy contact Chapman Marques Psychology & Relationship Counselling.